What does it mean to be a friend? Are the friends we have really friends, or are they foes? According to dictionary.com, a friend is a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile. Hostility is a hostile state, condition, or attitude; enmity; antagonism; unfriendliness. I would like to stretch this definition to include someone who doesn’t wish, condone, or act in a good way towards a fellow person. Most people know the classic quote, “If you aren’t with me you are against me.” This would be characterized as a feeling of uncaring or neutrality towards the wellbeing/goodness of another. As Desmond Tutu puts it, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” This being true I would then feel confident to define a friend as someone who pushes and wants us to be good.
This then leads me to question whether or not our friends are wishing the best for us. Are they pushing us to become better individuals, holding us accountable for destructive or vile behavior? Many people we call friends do not do this. Some of our friends don’t care what we do or how we act. They are content to watch us flounder in a state of immorality, where we hurt ourselves and others. If this is the case, how can we call them a friend, when in reality they are a foe? A foe is a thing that is harmful to or destructive of something. If someone is not helping us I believe they are hurting us. If they do not care and are neutral to things we are doing that are bad in nature we will continue to do them. Not caring does not seem to be a value that is normally attributed to a friend. Therefore those who do not care are not friends.
We choose to spend time with people for a variety of reasons (sense of humor, attractiveness, things in common, the way they make us feel). We also choose friends who challenge us, push us to work hard, make us think, and confront the way we live our lives because they believe that we can do better. Not all of our friends do this however. Some of our friends let us live a lie and dwell on false hopes. They don’t care if we hurt someone else (as long as it’s not them) or squander an opportunity. In the same sense we often relate to others in the same fashion. Not only should we look at how our friends relate to us but how we are, as a friend, to others.
Love, a word that is extremely misused in the USA (if not the world) today, has lost its meaning. “I love hamburgers. I love video games. I love football.” The list can go on and on. In the same context we often say we “love our friends.” Now this is not bad by any means and hopefully we can all learn to love one another, but the love must be justified. Love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. If we love someone, we want the best for them; just like we do when we call someone a friend. So then therefore we love our friends. It seems to me that love for a friend has often been defined as letting him/her do whatever makes them happy. This is not love. We are human beings and with that come all of our faults and failures. Sometimes what we like or enjoy is actually bad in nature. It is only after a new revelation or lifestyle change that we realize its negativity. Here is where we come to the difference between love and kindness.
It may seem ‘kind’ to ignore a friends drinking problem; because then there would be no conflict, and your relationship with each other can continue on unhindered. In my opinion this is a selfish view, as one would be focusing only on their own needs and desires in regards to the relationship, instead of wanting their ‘friend’ to have a better life. Of course this is only true if you believe that drinking, or what drinking entails, is bad. If we hold an action or decision to be morally good or morally bad, it is essential that we live by this truth. So if a friend is doing something that you consider morally bad, keeping in mind that a friend involves love not just kindness, than you will talk to them about what they are doing.
This then leads me to question whether or not our friends are wishing the best for us. Are they pushing us to become better individuals, holding us accountable for destructive or vile behavior? Many people we call friends do not do this. Some of our friends don’t care what we do or how we act. They are content to watch us flounder in a state of immorality, where we hurt ourselves and others. If this is the case, how can we call them a friend, when in reality they are a foe? A foe is a thing that is harmful to or destructive of something. If someone is not helping us I believe they are hurting us. If they do not care and are neutral to things we are doing that are bad in nature we will continue to do them. Not caring does not seem to be a value that is normally attributed to a friend. Therefore those who do not care are not friends.
We choose to spend time with people for a variety of reasons (sense of humor, attractiveness, things in common, the way they make us feel). We also choose friends who challenge us, push us to work hard, make us think, and confront the way we live our lives because they believe that we can do better. Not all of our friends do this however. Some of our friends let us live a lie and dwell on false hopes. They don’t care if we hurt someone else (as long as it’s not them) or squander an opportunity. In the same sense we often relate to others in the same fashion. Not only should we look at how our friends relate to us but how we are, as a friend, to others.
Love, a word that is extremely misused in the USA (if not the world) today, has lost its meaning. “I love hamburgers. I love video games. I love football.” The list can go on and on. In the same context we often say we “love our friends.” Now this is not bad by any means and hopefully we can all learn to love one another, but the love must be justified. Love: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. If we love someone, we want the best for them; just like we do when we call someone a friend. So then therefore we love our friends. It seems to me that love for a friend has often been defined as letting him/her do whatever makes them happy. This is not love. We are human beings and with that come all of our faults and failures. Sometimes what we like or enjoy is actually bad in nature. It is only after a new revelation or lifestyle change that we realize its negativity. Here is where we come to the difference between love and kindness.
It may seem ‘kind’ to ignore a friends drinking problem; because then there would be no conflict, and your relationship with each other can continue on unhindered. In my opinion this is a selfish view, as one would be focusing only on their own needs and desires in regards to the relationship, instead of wanting their ‘friend’ to have a better life. Of course this is only true if you believe that drinking, or what drinking entails, is bad. If we hold an action or decision to be morally good or morally bad, it is essential that we live by this truth. So if a friend is doing something that you consider morally bad, keeping in mind that a friend involves love not just kindness, than you will talk to them about what they are doing.
I think of this in terms of my role as a soon to be ex pastor of a church that is going in a direction that I believe, if it stays on its current path, will lead to its ruin. I wonder about the role of prayer vs. trying to "talk" someone or "push" someone out of doing things that are harmful for them. Sometimes my negative reaction can provoke them to become even more committed to the direction they are currently going. Prayer, along with affirming love, may be the only effective thing I can do.
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